Jerry Sloan's "Real" Offseason

[Note by basketballjohn, 10/20/08 4:22 PM MDT ]  I'll be starting a series of story swapping with  Aaron (a blogger from will be posting some of his stuff here and I'll guest blog on Jazzbots.  We hope to get some cross-mojination going on that will be of benefit to SLCDunk and Jazzbots.  Here's the first installment.



        Here is something to amuse you as we wait/mourn over the results of D-Will's MRI. I secretly traveled (NOT) to Illinois this offseason to sleuth out what Jerry Sloan really does with his spare time. Here is the full report.

Things Jerry Sloan does in the offseason:

-Coach Sloan makes collages out of images of Matt Harpring’s face and pastes them over younger pictures of his own face. He is trying to prove his theory that Matt Harpring is actually himself, Jerry Sloan, traveled through space and age to play basketball the way it was meant to be played: the slow guy with bad knees but beautiful elbows. In fact, during the season, every time Harpring misses a layup Sloan feels a little piece of himself die inside.  Must be something with the space time continuum.

-Coach does extreme amounts of flexibility work. Sloan does everything: Yoga combined with Pilates combined with Billy Blanks combined with the Electric Slide. You see, Sloan likes to keep limber so he can demonstrate a perfect defensive crouch during training camp. When the players see Coach Sloan slap the ground with both hands and execute a flawless recovery step, they know they can’t lolligag on the defensive end.  Actually, a lot of the things Coach does in the offseason involve a perfectly executed defensive crouch. He’s had the front seat removed from all his automobiles so he can crouch while driving.  He’s had all furniture save a wooden table and a slat bed removed from his home so he can crouch for all his meals. If he ever gets tired of the defensive crouch (he doesn’t) then he just switches into a triple threat position.  No one is going to catch Coach Sloan off guard.

-You all know that Coach Sloan collects and restores tractors, but what you don’t know is that he doesn’t actually farm with them.  He just rides them, sitting right up on the engine casing. You see, Coach believes that "rust" and "friction" are the only worthy enemies he has ever encountered, and he’s determined to break the will of each and every one of his rusty old tractors, like wild mustangs.  He’ll ride a tractor until it submits, then, once he’s broken it down he can go about rebuilding it the way it should be. It’s much the same technique he uses on Jazz rookies.

-Finally, in the offseason Coach is hired out by a Pennsylvania scrap metal corporation to chew up old I-beams and appliances for scrap metal…with his teeth. I interviewed his Pennsylvania supervisor about Sloan as an employee and he said:

             "That Mr. Sloan got a craw that can mash up a skyscraper as quick as you can jump a candle. Sometimes his jaw gets tired though, so he gets all bunched up in a defensive crouch and just cusses at the metal ‘til it melts."

Jerry Sloan, renewing the infrastructure of America.

            Personally, I think Jerry Sloan can take so much offseason time for his "personal development" because he doesn’t need to worry about the game of basketball. Nope, he’s got that all figured out: play hard, box out, get spacing, set screens, hit open shots. It' a beautiful science in a league gone mad with the one-on-one. And, much like its coach, Jazz Basketball is unique and incredibly efficient. Luckily Sloan now has premium players to run that system, which is why his offseasons are full of carefree "personal development" time. Time where he can put basketball aside and get back to life’s true challenges: Like crouchin’ and tractor wrasslin’ and cursing Phil Jackson under his breath for "goin’ all zen and soft-like."



All comments are the opinion of the commenter and not necessarily that of SLC Dunk or SB Nation.

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