Rockets @ Jazz game preview: a one-sided affair
by clarkpojo on Mar 23, 2009 3:02 PM MDT
53 comments
Yao Ming fell in love with the first human he saw after being hit in the face with the Brownies' "Dust of Broken Hearts."
The only thing we can hope for is not to get blown out by the Rockets. They are clearly the best team in the NBA right now. They can defend, they can make layups, and they can hit shots all over the court. They have a guy who has been accused of being two people stacked on top of each other because he is so tall. It is no wonder that Yao gets so winded when playing basketball: he has to carry someone on his shoulders the whole game. They also have a guy who is, pound for pound, the toughest man on planet earth. When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Ron Artest. At power forward the Rockets have a man who must work part-time at Arbys, because he has grease from at least 2 and a half pounds of greasy burger in his hair at all times. But his keen fashion sense pales in comparison to his monster low post game and free throw line jumpers.
Look, Jazz fans: we got lucky last time in Salt Lake City. We just don't have as good of a team as the city of Houston has. If it wasn't for the referees' horrendous calls and especially egregioius foul call on Yao Ming when Ronnie Brewer threw himself in front of Yao's path, then the Jazz would have lost that game by at least 5 points.
Here are the facts that will help decide this game, broken down position by position. Heaven help the Jazz.
Point Guards- Deron Williams vs. Rafer Brooks- Deron Williams is a special, special player. He is probably the best player in the NBA who hasn't made an all-star game and when his jumper is on, he is virtually unguardable. Aaron Alston is a talented, talented point guard who spent some time in the AND 1 tour and playing fancy street ball in New York, before walking on to the University of Oregon and starring on their basketball team. He can shoot, drive and shoot. And sometimes pass...if he has picked up his dribble and there is still time on the shot clock. And most importantly, if Rafer Brooks hadn't been injured for the first two games of the playoffs last year against the Jazz, the Rockets would have swept Utah.
Edge: even
Shooting Guards- Ronnie Brewer vs. Tracy McGrady Shane Battier- Ronnie Brewer, why don't you stop playing like a girl? Man up, dude. So glad that all you can do is stand in Yao's way and fall over like you've been hit by a 7'6", 310 pound man. You are a nice young player who can get to and finish at the hoop, but please, just workout harder, or something. Shane Battier went to Duke, which makes him awesome...and incredibly smart. Babies get a new wrinkle on their brain when they learn something. Battier learned so much as a baby and adolescent that his brain didn't have any more room for his wrinkles. So his head started to wrinkle...a lot.
Edge: Rockets- in basketball and a knowledge bowl quiz
Small Forwards- CJ Miles vs. Ron Artest- CJ Miles weighs as much as one dumbell that Artest curls with one arm, 100 times, every morning. Miles can shoot a bit, but let's just hope that Artest doesn't send him to the hospital. Enough has already been said about Ron Artest. He is a man among men. And sometimes he is an NBA player among the NBA fan crowd. And sometimes he punches people of that crowd...in the face.
Edge: Rockets in basketball and an MMA match, but Jazz in a game of horse or 3 point shooting contest.
Power Forwards- Carlos Boozer. Rhymes with "Loser." And this guy hates him, so that must be saying something. But he is almost always good for a quadruple double of points, rebounds, turnovers + missed defensive assignments, and times yelling "and-1, when the shot doesn't even go in." That's an accomplishment. Luis Scola. Rhymes with Pepsi-Cola. I love Pepsi-Cola. It's strong, consistent, delicious and dependable...and versatile. It goes with popcorn, a burger, or ice cream. It's a lot like Luis Scola. He is one tough customer. He doesn't flop, but just mans up and plays tough guy defense.
Edge: Even
Centers- Mehmet Okur- you can look at Okur one of two ways: he is either a versatile player who can score down low or outside hitting sweet jumpers, or he is a pansy who is too afraid to play down low with the big boys and where God intended for 7 footers to play. I'll take the latter. If he did play downlow, he would get broken in two. And if he did play low, Yao wouldn't be blowing Okur away in the rebound department. Yao Ming. The best center in the game...period.
Edge: Rockets by a light year...wait that sounds too small, Rockets by a Megatron.
Bottom line prediction: The Jazz are composed of grabbers and floppers and players that will do whatever it takes to get a competitive advantage. The only defense they know how to play is "pretend to get hit and fall down" defense. If you like cheaters and players who don't respect the game, then root for Utah. If you like championship-type basketball and tough play, without flopping or help from the refs in the 4th quarter, then root for the Rockets. Bottom line: if the refs are up to their old homecourt advantage tricks, then the Jazz might sneak this game away from Houston. But any other scenario has the Rockets victorious and the Jazz as the dirtiest, suckiest franchise in the league, who have never won a championship and got lucky the last two years in the playoffs.
All comments are the opinion of the commenter and not necessarily that of SLC Dunk or SB Nation.
2 recs |
53 comments
Email
Print
Comments
Where's the 'snark' tag?
"Taking offense is a cottage industry in this country" --Bill James
by Patrick517 on Mar 23, 2009 5:16 PM MDT reply actions 0 recs
boozer also has a wrinkled duke head
but of course battier’s is superior
by moni on Mar 23, 2009 7:54 PM MDT reply actions 0 recs
Is there a wrinkled head all-star team?
Or are these two the only ones?
by Basketball John on Mar 23, 2009 8:38 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
Bird's probably on that list
but had the good sense to never shave his head.
Buckle up!
by MTN on Mar 23, 2009 9:35 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
I think Michael Finley and Oden probably fit the bill too. Their wrinkled foreheads have to be precursors.
The more you try to erase me, the more that I appear.
by clarkpojo on Mar 24, 2009 2:27 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
When Chuck Norris goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Ron Artest.
That’s hilarious. I commend you.
Buckle up!
by MTN on Mar 23, 2009 9:35 PM MDT reply actions 0 recs
Remember when...
Two years ago in the series against rockets (I don’t recall which game, but it was do-or-die), Boozer willed himself up in the air for a loose-ball rebound and took it from Yao and Scola and Tarzan and whoever else was going after it. It was clearly not a physical rebound, but rather an I’m-not-losing-this-game-tonight rebound of sheer pride and gut and wahtever else.
DOES ANYBODY REMEMBER THIS PLAY?
Where is that Boozer?
The best way for the rockets to lose is for T-Mac to decide that it’s up to him to win games. I hope he comes back for the playoffs. Just in time for the WCF would be perfect. He’s clueless. What will their GM do about the clear difference between T-Mac’s rockets and no-T-Mac’s rockets? What will Dumars do in Detroit with the same problem nursing an aching back?
The Jazz by contrast have the perfect roster. It’s just a question of getting all of them healthy AND MOTIVATED on the same court on the same night.
I think we’ll beat the rockets. If the Rockets can beat the Spurs, we can beat the rockets.
Buckle up!
by MTN on Mar 23, 2009 9:43 PM MDT reply actions 0 recs
I remember when Tarzan signed with the Rockets. He turned out to be decent, but not for the money they spent on him. Anyway, he had his best years in Milwaukee.
Before each game, please remember to feed the bats.
by Cool Hand on Mar 24, 2009 5:32 AM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
Where is clarkpojo and which Houston fan beat him up to type this?
Whoa whoa whoa. You ascribe one checkmark to each starting position, while ignoring our clearly superior bench. They have a better inside game, we have a better outside game. We’re playing at home, we have more depth, and we’ve had time to rest and prepare for the game. With any number of weapons to choose from, Jazz win this one by 8 or 9.
by Dyl on Mar 23, 2009 10:03 PM MDT reply actions 0 recs
it's a joke, brother.
This is what’s known in satirical terms as a “reduction to absurdity.”
Uh, do you think you could draw me like a ninja?
by Shums on Mar 23, 2009 10:10 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
I knew this was going to happen
The sarcasm was pretty subtle.
"Taking offense is a cottage industry in this country" --Bill James
by Patrick517 on Mar 24, 2009 6:37 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
It started out subtle
But if you didn’t catch on by the end…
by Basketball John on Mar 24, 2009 6:48 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
dude
You suck at sarcasm and/or satire. I was like, “what?”
by mcjazzman32 on Mar 23, 2009 11:11 PM MDT reply actions 0 recs
Is this supposed to jinx Houston?
I hope it works
by murderousmalone on Mar 24, 2009 10:05 AM MDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ll be watching tonight, and for the sake of the Southwest division, I hope the Jazz annihilate the Rockets.
http://myspace.com/eme0916
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/profile.php?id=569220294&ref=profile
by Ed (dfjmed) on Mar 24, 2009 10:32 AM MDT reply actions 0 recs
Great site here, btw. :)
http://myspace.com/eme0916
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/profile.php?id=569220294&ref=profile
by Ed (dfjmed) on Mar 24, 2009 10:33 AM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
Flopping
Here’s what irks me… (even as I complain about it often)…
Fine, we don’t like it (we being the fans, and maybe the players, if someone flops on them).
That said…
1- players do it. no team can say they don’t flop, because they all do.
2- the NBA refuses to do anything about it.
Given that (especially the 2nd one), it’s almost like it’s becoming (or already become) a legal tactic, like the pro-hop (aka the up-and-down that isn’t) and every other spin move (a travel) and more. So, while everyone will continue to complain, in reality… it’s almost like the NBA is saying it’s okay (they’re not even fining floppers, and Stern said he would). So I guess we have to live with it… and realize that players that get away with it are just searching for an advantage (given that many of the teams are about equal in terms of overall talent).
Plus, at least it’s not like the NFL. Or we’d be seeing the NBA make rule after rule that would make it illegal to touch a star player.
by UtesFan89 on Mar 24, 2009 11:23 AM MDT reply actions 0 recs
Should've read...
Here’s what irks me… (even as I complain about it often)… the NBA is alright with it, and it’s becoming a tactic in the games (unfortunately).
by UtesFan89 on Mar 24, 2009 11:25 AM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
Walk softly on the graves of your ancestors....
Hey bro the pro hop and the spin move are legit moves when done right and have been part of basketball since the 60’s- if you were to regress any farther past this we would have to start jumping the ball after every made shot and disallow dribbling. These moves are beautiful things that make basketball great. As to flopping….. I agree completely ( I wish the Jazz would do the opposite; knock the player down and look down at them like ’ What the heck is wrong with you?’ – take a foul that you might get anyways but send a message and earn our reputation as ‘a tough team’. Especially Boozer, If he did this one thing he would be Great.)
by Jay-Jay on Mar 24, 2009 12:51 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
I know
but how is the pro-hop not an up-and-down? Just curious.
by UtesFan89 on Mar 24, 2009 5:14 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
It can be...
If done correctly the Pro Hop isn’t an up and down because it is not a travel; If you pick up your dribble with both feet planted on the ground, jump off both feet at the same time, land on both feet simultaneously and don’t pivot before your shot/pass than you have only moved each foot once and taken only 2 steps. Thus it is not a travel and is no different in the rules than your typical drive to the basket; if you take both steps simultaneously or staggered it is the same. Now, the ‘done correctly’ thing is where it gets sketchy, most player will pivot either before or after the Jump stop/ Pro Hop and this is a travel.
by Jay-Jay on Mar 24, 2009 11:43 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
Great read
I am hoping that the Rockets go easy on the mortal Jazz tonight like the last 2 years in the playoffs….
by Jay-Jay on Mar 24, 2009 12:08 PM MDT reply actions 0 recs
Rafer Alston isn't on the team anymore...
So shouldn’t it be Aaron Lowry or Kyle Brooks? I think we definitely have the edge. Kyle Lowry is a decent score-first back-up, but Deron will punish both Brooks and Lowry.
by moneyman memo on Mar 24, 2009 1:36 PM MDT reply actions 0 recs
Well, I wasn't sure which one got traded, so I just combined them in hopes that I would sort of get it right.
The funny thing is that many Houston fans are so excited that Rafer was finally traded away, but they don’t realize that they have his own clone playing point guard for them now. They both are shoot first point guards who are too small to guard Deron Williams and Chauncey Billups in the playoffs. So it doesn’t really matter if it’s Rafer or Aaron, because the Rockets have a liability at the one.
The more you try to erase me, the more that I appear.
by clarkpojo on Mar 24, 2009 2:40 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
I was being sarcastic in my title, by the way.
Sarcasm just doesn’t come across well in writing, even if you lay it on pretty thick. Sorry Jazz fans that were offended by this post.
The more you try to erase me, the more that I appear.
by clarkpojo on Mar 24, 2009 2:41 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
Is it just me?
Or did Kyle Lowry nearly, by himself, give us a lead last time. Our liability is not at the point as much as you think – you just happen to have the second best point guard in the league running your show.
"I think girls are probably just better shooters." - Steve Novak
by Tom Martin on Mar 24, 2009 3:02 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
I it was Scotty Brooks running the point at Houston now…
by Artest4Prez on Mar 24, 2009 3:37 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
Yes it was
I was begging for Brooks to come back in.
by Basketball John on Mar 24, 2009 3:40 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
I wish adelman would just start lowry tonight
ugugugugughhhh. and to think he could win coach of the year…
"I think girls are probably just better shooters." - Steve Novak
by Tom Martin on Mar 24, 2009 3:42 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
Well written
And true all the way around except for Rafer is in Orlando. The Jazz will loose and loose big!
You have an uncommon ability to speak the truth. This artical is not satire, just truth.
Go Rockets!
It takes a big man to walk away, but a bigger man to break his freaking jaw!
by USMC_Texas on Mar 24, 2009 2:01 PM MDT reply actions 0 recs
If the Jazz "loose"
Then the Rockets must tighten?
by Basketball John on Mar 24, 2009 2:19 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
Oooops
The grammer police got me again. I meant looooooooooose. Say lose but drag the o.
It takes a big man to walk away, but a bigger man to break his freaking jaw!
by USMC_Texas on Mar 24, 2009 2:31 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
Ah yes
Who will Kylie/Ashton/HilarySwank be hiding from tonight?
Can’t wait for tonight’s beating! My Clark Pojo prediction: Jazz – One Billion, Rockets – Five. Oh goodness i crack myself up. Satire at it’s best, am i right?
"I think girls are probably just better shooters." - Steve Novak
by Tom Martin on Mar 24, 2009 3:16 PM MDT reply actions 0 recs
And if you want to insult fellow blogs...
I’ll just head over to True Blue Jazz.
We’re winning this one for Landry.
"I think girls are probably just better shooters." - Steve Novak
by Tom Martin on Mar 24, 2009 3:19 PM MDT reply actions 0 recs
WTF?
Wait a second Novak? What does that mean?
We bleed True Blue.
www.truebluejazz.com
by CB Jack on Mar 24, 2009 3:26 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
did that come off as a compliment?
completely unintentional. TBJ just sucks less.
"I think girls are probably just better shooters." - Steve Novak
by Tom Martin on Mar 24, 2009 3:41 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
I'm sorry Bring Back Novak. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.
But you do realize that 90% of what is written on your site is an insult to the Utah Jazz, their fanbase, and homestate, let alone their bloggers?
The more you try to erase me, the more that I appear.
by clarkpojo on Mar 24, 2009 3:36 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
drat
Just trying some of your sarcasm, pojo. guess i failed miserably.
"I think girls are probably just better shooters." - Steve Novak
by Tom Martin on Mar 24, 2009 3:39 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
I'd say...
84-86% is more accurate.
by Artest4Prez on Mar 24, 2009 3:44 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
actually
we keep it at 85%. exactly.
"I think girls are probably just better shooters." - Steve Novak
by Tom Martin on Mar 24, 2009 3:45 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
Oh man. What if Artest was president?
I think it would be really similar to the situation in Idiocracy, where the ex WWF wrestler is the president and the world is hydrated by sports drinks.
The more you try to erase me, the more that I appear.
by clarkpojo on Mar 24, 2009 3:47 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
I’d buy a bumper sticker. That’s all I’m saying.
by Artest4Prez on Mar 24, 2009 3:48 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
War
It would be always
It takes a big man to walk away, but a bigger man to break his freaking jaw!
by USMC_Texas on Mar 24, 2009 3:51 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
and there would be a compulsory draft
for Tru Wariers. Yikes.
Uh, do you think you could draw me like a ninja?
by Shums on Mar 24, 2009 4:00 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
Master Yoda?
The more you try to erase me, the more that I appear.
by clarkpojo on Mar 24, 2009 5:04 PM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
scrubs
why dont u at least keep up-to-date if you try to write satire attacking the rockets. Rafer got traded..unless you were trying to be sarcastic with that too? which makes no sense if that’s what you’re trying to do. anyways..poorly written satire..you tried to exaggerate about everything, but all your “exaggerations” are true, so it’s not really much satire at all.
by floppersunite on Mar 24, 2009 11:00 PM MDT reply actions 0 recs
Crow
Time for me to eat it and it tastes like crap!
Good game gentelman…….DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It takes a big man to walk away, but a bigger man to break his freaking jaw!
by USMC_Texas on Mar 25, 2009 7:46 AM MDT reply actions 0 recs
I was just about to commend you for being a good fan and a big man, for admitting that and then I saw your little catchphrase line.
But still, way to live up to it. Good luck in the playoffs, even if we see you again.
The more you try to erase me, the more that I appear.
by clarkpojo on Mar 25, 2009 9:18 AM MDT up reply actions 0 recs
What?
You don’t like my catch phrase? Lol That WAS my mentality in my 20’s when I wouldn’t go to jail for it. Now I walk away…..
Thanks, and good luck to you as well.
It takes a big man to walk away, but a bigger man to break his freaking jaw!
by USMC_Texas on Mar 25, 2009 1:10 PM MDT reply actions 0 recs
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2010 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
