Win one for the proletariat: a pre-game speech


Karl Marx famously said that religion is the opiate of the people, and that is frustrating to religious people who believe their faith is metaphysically meaningful and not just a numbing distraction from real life.  

But clearly, pro sports is basically heroin for a working man's soul.  (I think Danielle is getting something else entirely out of her fanaticism; hence the gender-exclusive use of "man's".)  We should not pretend that it is any more important or meaningful than that.  

However, recognizing its true benefit to our psyche only makes the life of a Jazz fan that much more rotten at present: the opiate has become more painful as medicine than the real life it is supposed to assuage.  It's like chemotherapy, but it's not curing anything.

And so I plead with Boozer and the boys:  we have to go to work tomorrow...and the day after tomorrow.  Then we've got to mope around all summer long thinking about those damn Lakers.  Meanwhile, you get to play basketball for - Boozer's words - "a raise."  Please recognize our plight as your fans and throw us - Dr. Evil's words - "a frickin' bone." 

Maybe you could chase down a loose ball in front of those bourgeoisie aristocrats front row in the Staples Center, or slide those handsome $200 kicks of yours side to side for some help D in the lane (not just the obligatory reach around).  Why don't you put some energy into a screen instead of exhausting it all on your post-dunk pull-up-twist.  (If you really want to intimidate the opposition, put your elbows into their kidneys and whisper in their ears that you're going to cut their throats with a Randall knife.)  

Think back to those halcyon days at Duke when you Coach K one-hundred-and-ten every play because you wanted that championship so badly.  Remember all those Cameron Crazies bobbing up and down?  That's just like us, except we didn't go to Duke and we don't give a sh_t about Durham or Cameron or Coach K - or Team USA for that matter - because we've been waiting for a championship in Utah longer than Brigham Young waited for statehood.  

My point is, play for us.  We're your g  dd mn fans and if we have to watch the Lakeshow-offs one-off us again, we'll have nothing but our real lives to get us through real life.

All comments are the opinion of the commenter and not necessarily that of SLC Dunk or SB Nation.

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