Mocking the Draft NBA GM style

What happens when you have some of the most inept GMs in the league picking near the top of the draft?  This happens:  or should I say, this is what will happen?


1. In a surprisingly smart move, the Clippers trade the first pick to the Memphis Grizzlies for the 2nd pick and Rudy Gay.  Grizzlies GM Chris Wallace then gets mixed up and drafts Taylor Griffin out of Oklahoma, the older brother of consensus number one Blake Griffin.  When informed of his mistake, Wallace tries to save face with this statement: "Well in our organization we value the younger brother usually. They are just as talented, have less issues and are often a better value."


2.  The Clippers wisely draft Ricky Rubio and as rumored, trade Baron Davis back to Golden State for Corey Maggette, welcoming him back with "It was all part of the plan" banners.  The Clippers then call Philadelphia and offer Zach Randolph for Elton Brand, call Denver and offer Marcus Camby for some cap space back and offer Ricky Davis to every team in the NBA.  When that doesn't work, the team puts up fake plaques in their arena reading "Ricky Davis- all time Clipper leader in triple doubles" and they hang a giant-sized jersey of Davis' in hopes that he believes he has retired breaking several Clipper records on the way.



3.  The Thunder continue building their juggernaut in the Dust Bowl by drafting Blake Griffin, and become the most talented young team in the league barely surpassing the Portland Trailblazers.


4. The Kings draft Hasheem Thabeet and the Kings are still unable to find a coach to fit the team perfectly.  Eventually the Kings take a chance and give Patrick Ewing the head coach job in hopes that he can develop Thabeet, Hawes, and Thompson.  Ewing shows up to the first practice and dramatically dunks over some of the Kings guards and hands out "Patrick Chewing" versions of Snickers bars.  "Energy bars are my number one secret, gentlemen.  And over the next season I will let you in on my other 7 secrets."


5. The Wizards draft James Harden out of Arizona State.  When Gilbert Arenas finds this out, he loudly declares, "how dare the Wizards draft my replacement?  Don't they know I am the shooting guard on this team?"  Gilbert then spends the majority of the offseason trying to convince the NBA to let him change his jersey number to  -100.


6.  The Timberwolves are still without a GM at the time of the draft, so Glen Taylor takes it upon himself to step in and draft for the team.  Taylor takes Darius Heyward-Bey, the wide receiver out of Maryland, because Taylor heard that Heyward-Bey "is the fastest player in the draft."


7.  Don Nelson and Larry Riley get into an argument in the greenroom over who's in charge of drafting for the team.  Ironically they both want to draft Brandon Jennings, but Nelson wants him because he hasn't been corrupted by college coaches and Riley wants Jennings because he is a guard from Italy and the last guard from Italy was Kobe Bryant.  They continue to argue over the reason for drafting Jennings and their time runs out, forfeiting their pick.


8.  The Knicks had Stephen Curry in their sights, but they can't pass on the freakish athletic ability of DeMar DeRozan.  For team unity, Danilo Galinari starts to write his name as DaNilo GaLinari and newly signed David Lee, changes his to DaVid LeE.


9.  The Raptors shore up their backcourt by drafting Tyreke Evans out of Memphis, who immediately asks, "What language do they speak in Toronto?"



10. The Bucks draft point guard Jonny Flynn out of Syracuse to replace Ramon Sessions and also because they know he is used to cold weather.  When Flynn is asked what he knows about new head coach Scott Skiles, Flynn says, "I know he doesn't allow headbands."  Flynn then begins to cry.


11.  The Nets draft Stephen Curry for his deadly shooting abilities and because they heard that he is good friends with Lebron James and they want to lure him to the Nets.  In the second round, the Nets attempt to draft Lebron James' girlfriend as a "role player."


12. The Bobcats draft homestate hero James Johnson from Wake Forest to give them some depth in the frontcourt.  TNT cameras show Brandon Jennings sitting nervously in the green room.  He appears to be nervous because he has fallen further down the draft board than was expected.  But on closer inspection he is nervous because he doesn't know which girl Bachelor Jason Meznick is going to propose to.  Jennings is watching every American TV show he has missed while in Italy in order to become reacquainted with American culture.


13. The Pacers are thrilled to have Brandon Jennings fall to them and they draft him.  The Pacers then shop Jamal Tinsley around the league but find few takers.  They do, however, get into talks with the LA Clippers looking at a deal sending Tinsley to the Clippers for newly unretired guard RIcky Davis.


14. The Suns draft talented Earl Clark out of Louisville and then trade him to the Blazers for $3 million.

15. Detroit Pistons- The Pistons draft Duke alum Gerald Henderson and pair him up with Duke alum free agent Carlos Boozer.

16. Chicago Bulls- Dejaun Blair

17. Philadelphia 76ers- Jrue Holiday

18. Minnesota Timberwolves- Owner Glen Taylor trades several future draft picks in order to move up and take Mark Sanchez out of USC, because now he needs someone to throw passes to Heyward-Bey.

19. Atlanta Hawks- The Hawks take point guard Eric Maynor, in hopes of reconciling the past when they passed up on taking Chris Paul or Deron Williams.  The Hawks then trade Marvin Williams and Acie Law, hoping that no one notices that they have officially given up on what they passed up the two point guards for.  Everbody notices.

20.  Utah Jazz- The Jazz draft Tyler Hansbrough because he is white, big and plays from whistle to whistle, passing up the chance to draft about 25 more talented players who are a better fit.  Several Jazz fans throw up in their mouths and after training camp Hansbrough and Matt Harpring get matching "dawgs 4 life" tattoos on their ankles.  They are inseparable the rest of the season.

21. New Orleans Hornets-  Austin Daye

22. Dallas Mavericks- Ty Lawson

23. Sacramento Kings- Jeff Teague

24. Portland Trailblazers- The Blazers draft Chase Budinger in hopes of shoring up the small forward position.  They also sign Andre Miller to be the starting point guard and Blazer fans start buying tickets for the NBA finals.  The Blazers lose in the second round, disappointing their fans, but showing progress.

25.  OKC Thunder- Terrence Williams

26. Chicago Bulls- Toney Douglas

27. Memphis Grizzlies- GM Chris Wallace tries to draft Blake Griffin, but when he is told that he has already been drafted, he takes "the player I meant to take all along with the number one pick" Gani Lawai.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves- Owner Glen Taylor then drafts Andre Smith out of Alabama in order to protect his new point guard Mark Sanchez.

29. LA Lakers- After losing in the NBA finals for the second straight year, the lakers voluntarily give up their draft pick, because they don't think they need to draft anyone.  "We have all the people we need to win it all here," says Kobe Bryant. "When Bynum comes back next season healthy, we will be unstoppable.  Drafting someone would be like telling the rest of the league that we have weaknesses we need to address.  We have no weaknesses."

30 Cleveland Cavaliers- Darren Collison.


So there you have it.  If you are a betting man, you can take these picks to the bank.











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