The Utah Jazz- More than Meets the Eye

by clarkpojo on Jun 29, 2009 7:28 PM MDT Comment 7 comments

In honor of the release of Transformers 2 this past weekend, and because Basketball John oddly asked which Jazz players resembled which Transformer autobots, I have compiled a list of players and the autobot they resemble. I have pulled the descriptions of the Transformers from Wikipedia. I don't know this much about each individual autobot. But I have to say, it is creepy how closely some of our Jazz players fit the descriptions of Optimus Prime and his crew.

Coach Jerry Sloan- Optimus Prime- "Across the assorted continuities of the original Transformers universe, there have been various interpretations of Optimus Prime. One of Prime's most notable characteristics in any form was his adamant commitment to leadership by example, and avoidance of any hypocrisy in his command, but beyond this, the animated series leaned towards Optimus Prime as a straightforward, wise and essentially upbeat battlefield general. The Marvel Comics series, on the other hand, in addition to these more obvious characteristics, suggested a Prime secretly plagued by self-doubt and, more importantly, a conflicted sense of pacifism that often made him an extremely reluctant warrior. It was occasionally implied that the conflict with the Decepticons lasted as long as it did primarily because of his unwillingness to take a more aggressive stance."

Explanation: I know that a lot of you will want Deron Williams to be Optimus Prime, but other than the upbeat part of Optimus' description, it more correctly describes coach Sloan. Add the fact that Optimus Prime turns into a tractor trailer and you have a pretty nice fit.

Deron WIlliams- Jazz- Jazz is the "very cool, very stylish, very competent" member of the Autobots in the Transformers television and comic series based on the popular toy line produced by Takara and Hasbro. His original vehicle mode is a Martini Porsche 935 Turbo racing car. Self-possessed, calm, and utterly collected, Jazz is head of Special Operations, with his own dedicated roster of agents. He often gives the most dangerous assignments to himself. It's not a matter of ego—he just really is the coolest head for the toughest missions. Jazz's ease extends to whatever environment he finds himself in, no matter how weird or wonderful. He effortlessly tunes in to the local culture, assimilating and improvising, and making creative command decisions, making him an indispensable right-hand bot to Optimus Prime.

Explanation: Deron Williams truly is the Jazz right now and deserves the namesake. He is also the righthand man of Jerry Sloan and an extension of the coach on the floor. Add the fact that he has the coolest head in pressure situations and is very "cool, stylish, and competent" and you have a perfect match.

CJ Miles- SIlverstreak – "Bluestreak’s biography described him as a highly incessant talker; he simply couldn’t stop. Other Autobots didn’t mind this, as it helped to lighten their mood."

Explanation: None of the Jazz players are incessant talkers, but there have been reports that CJ makes his fair share of jokes and that he sometimes doesn't stop talking.

Carlos Boozer- Side swipe- "Sideswipe is described as a brave but often rash warrior. He is almost as skilled as his twin brother Sunstreaker in combat, but is less ruthless. He enjoys a good fight, but his impetuousness can often lead to his being injured."

Explanation: I don't know if it can be attributed to his impetuousness, but I figured Carlos Boozer's injury-prone history made him a good fit with Side Swipe. And I am sure that there are some Cavs fans who think that Boozer side-swiped them some years ago.

Ronnie Brewer- Pipes- "His original tech spec reads: The more seemingly worthless a gadget, the more Pipes is fascinated by it. And he finds Earth a veritable gold mine of worthless gadgetry: carrot juicers, musical wristwatches, electric hair combers—the capacity of the human imagination never ceases to amaze Pipes! He is so enthralled by all this that he now collects these artifacts, creating a sort of mini-museum of American consumerism in an unused corner of the Ark. Pipes doesn't allow his hobby to interfere with his responsibilities to the Autobot struggle—at least not usually. Even while on a mission, he's been known to pull over to the curb and enviously ogle a human walking by using a hand-held portable electric fan. Pipes explains, "The true collector never knows when or where he'll discover his next treasure!"

Explanation: Brewer is the Utah Jazz expert on sound systems and large-screen TVs. In all of his interviews, he mentions his love for movies, video games and the speakers, he plays and watches them with.

Andrei Kirilenko-Brawn- "Brawn's character biography describes him as "the most macho" of the original eighteen Autobots and one of the strongest despite his small size. He is further described as agile and second in physical strength only to Optimus Prime, able to lift weights of up to 190,000 lbs. and strong enough to level a small building with a single punch. His physical resilience is also high, enough to resist artillery fire."

Explanation: We all know that this doesn't describe AK-47 at all. I am just being overly optimistic about his offseason work out habits, I guess.

Kobe Bryant- Sunstreak- Sunstreaker was one of the first generation of Autobots in the original Transformers television series. He was the twin brother of Sideswipe, another Autobot, and like him also turned into a 1980 Lamborghini Countach. His alternate mode however, was yellow and had a modification in the form of an engine that sticks out the back. He was described as the ultimate egotist, being notoriously difficult to work with and pair up with anyone else besides Sideswipe, and described himself as the most beautiful thing ever. He was also a cold, ruthless and effective fighter who would do anything to win.

Explanation: I had to throw this one in, because it was such a perfect description. I don't remember if I pulled this description off of the autobot's list site, or Kobe's actual personal website.

Kyrylo Fesenko- Trailbreaker-

"Trailbreaker was portrayed as a light-hearted joker, who often acted a morale booster for his comrades. Deep down, however, he considers himself a liability due to his high fuel consumption. Because of this he has a low sense of self-worth, he often asks to be left out of missions. Despite this, the other Autobots know he is a valuable addition to their ranks."

Explanation: This one fits all too well. Fesenko is a light-hearted Joker, but deep down we all know that he is too high of a fuel consumer to be the best benefit to the team. Replace high-fuel with IHOP waffles and pancakes, and I think you aren't talking about Trailbreaker anymore.

Mehmet Okur- Mirage- "It is ironic that, given his unwillingness to fight, Mirage is a superior hand-to-hand combatant, and a skilled sharpshooter, having honed his talents hunting game on Cybertron. He is armed with a rifle which fires explosive, armor-piercing darts, but the most important piece of his arsenal in his function as a spy is his shoulder-mounted electro-disruptor, which can bend photons to make Mirage invisible, or appear to be where he is not, or even alter his physical appearance, hence his name."

Explanation: This one is a stretch, but Okur is a skilled sharpshooter and like mirage, is good at sneaking away and freeing himself up behind the 3-point arc. As for the shoulder-mounted electro-disruptor which can bend photons? I'm guessing Okur probably has one of those laying around somewhere too.

Matt Harpring- Ironhide-

"Ironhide is portrayed as a toughened old Autobot who has seen his share of battle."

Explanation: Not needed. Seriously, this is too perfect.

Kyle Korver- Tracks-

"Tracks is somewhat of a rarity amongst the Autobots in that he prefers his new Earth car mode to his original Cybertronian form. His concern over his appearance has led to some friction with his fellow Autobots, as they think he should be less concerned with his looks and more on the battle with the Decepticons."

Explanation: Let's face it. Korver is too sexy for his shirt, too sexy for his body, the way he's disco-dancing. And he's definitely too sexy for his original Cybertronian form. And probably too sexy for his teammates.

Jarron Collins- Prowl -"Prowl is an Autobot of many virtues – he is quiet, competent, loyal, and possessed of almost endless patience. When Optimus Prime appoints Prowl a task, he can be guaranteed that it will be completed to the best of Prowl’s ability."

Explanation: You can knock Collins' basketball abilities, but you can't knock the fact that he plays to the best of his abilities. Hence, he is Prowl.

Ronnie Price- Blurr- "Blurr is the fastest Autobot on land. He was used primarily by the Autobots as a high speed messenger. Blurr was also portrayed having extremely fast speaking mannerisms, and a nervous streak when dealing with his superiors. Despite this he is a loyal warrior and friend."

Explanation: Price's speed, athleticism and hustle, made him a perfect fit for Blurr. Add his loyalty to the team and the coaching staff and the description is perfect. And I imagine that Coach Sloan makes him at least a little nervous.

Gary Briggs- Ratchet- "Ratchet is the chief medic of the Autobots in the Transformers television and comic series based on the popular toy line produced by Takara and Hasbro. His vehicle mode is an ambulance. Named after Nurse Ratched by Bob Budiansky, Ratchet is well-remembered by fans of the original comic series, in which he played a major role."

Explanation: This one was easy. Briggs is the ambulance and medic of the Utah Jazz.

Tyronne Corbin- Kup- Introduced in 1986, Kup is an Autobot who can transform into a light bluish-green futuristic pickup truck and wields a musket laser. He has a wealth of experience and is well-liked by the Dinobots for his old war stories, of which he seems to have an endless supply."

Explanation: It just seemed appropriate.

The general public of Utah Jazz fans- Gears- Gears is anti-social, a self-proclaimed misfit. His tech spec indicated he acted this way to cheer others up as they attempted to cheer him up. However, his portrayal in the animated series indicated he tended to annoy his comrades with his constant complaining. Despite this he never shirks from battle with the Decepticons.

Explanation: This is an apt description of many Jazz fans right now. "Why don't we trade for Bosh? Why haven't we won a championship? COACH SLOAN HAS TO GO! We are just sitting on our hands while everyone else gets better." I love you fellow Jazz fans, but just remember, to be grateful that you follow one of the best franchises in the NBA. Our time will come. YES WE CAN!

All comments are the opinion of the commenter and not necessarily that of SLC Dunk or SB Nation.

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