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Five Proofs of The Koof, with apologies to Thomas Aquinas and Shums, and anyone sensitive about Catholic dogma.


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It is objected that THE KOOF does not exist, and that he is a lesser being than Chuck Norris himself.  I answer that it can be proved in five ways that he does exist, nor is he lesser than Chuck Norris.

 

The first and plainest proof is the method that proceeds from the point of view of motion.   Now, everything that is moved is moved by something.  Everything, therefore, is moved by something else. If, then, that by which it is moved, is also moved, this must be moved by something still different, and this, again, by something else. But this process cannot go on to infinity because there would not be any first mover.  Therefore it is necessary to go back to some first mover, which is itself moved by nothing---and this all men know as “The Koof.”

 

The second proof is from the nature of the efficient cause. We find in our experience that there is a chain of causes.  In the case of efficient causes the chain can not go back indefinitely, because in all chains of efficient causes, the first is the cause of the middle, and these of the last, whether they be one or many. If the cause is removed, the effect is removed. Hence we must presuppose some first efficient cause---which all call “The Koof.”

 

The third proof is taken from the natures of the merely possible and necessary. We find that certain things either may or may not exist, since they are found to come into being and be destroyed, and in consequence potentially, either existent or non-existent. If then nothing existed, it would be impossible for anything to begin, and there would now be nothing existing, which is admittedly false. Hence not all things are mere accidents, but there must be one necessarily existing being---which all call “The Koof.”

 

The fourth proof arises from the degrees that are found in things. For there is found a greater and a less degree of goodness, truth, nobility, hustle, grit, toughness, piss and vinegar, and the like. There exists therefore something that is the truest, and best, and most noble, and most hustling, gritty, tough, etc., and in consequence, the greatest being ---and this we call, you guessed it, “The Koof.”

 

The fifth proof arises from the ordering of things, for we see that some things which lack reason, such as the team, are operated in accordance with a plan. It appears from this that they are operated always as they follow what is the Highest; whence it is clear that they do not arrive at the result by chance but because of a purpose, known as “Jerry’s system.” The things, moreover, that do not have intelligence do not tend toward open shots unless directed by some one knowing and intelligent; just as an arrow is sent by an archer. Therefore there is something intelligent by which all natural things are arranged in accordance with Jerry’s System---and this we do not call “Jerry,” as one might think.  In fact, this we do call, always and forever, “The Koof.”

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