SLC Dunker David Marquardt's Karl Malone Coaching Fantasy and Miami Game Tweetup

You may or may not remember Dave, but after reading this you'll never forget him. Remember you can always follow him on twitter too @Demarq44. Check this stuff out!

Hey everyone, Dave from Beehive Sport and Social Club here...instead of pumping you full of info about our great social sport leagues this spring (Kickball, Bocce, DUNKBALL and Ultimate Frisbee) that you can just check out on our website, BeehiveSports.com. I figured I'd relay a dream I keep having, I have a feeling you may have had a similar dream over the last few months.

It was around 10PM last Sunday that I slipped into bed with only the bare necessities to keep me company, a hot cup of designer chamomile tea and my iPad 3. Somewhere between finishing my tea and sifting though the latest SLCDunk data dump I drifted off to sleep to let my subconscious heal the psychological wounds the Jazz had left me with after their 85-101 loss to the Rockets.

My mind quickly wandered to a familiar place that you all know well, you don't quickly forget the smell of B.O. this potent. The rusty broken down pipes hanging from the already low ceilings here require total alertness. In the darkness a figure boldly steps forward. Our beloved "Mailman" is now towering over me (this is where I usually wet the bed) with a cold, angry stare. We aren't alone as two other figures of significant girth follow close behind Karl, Derrick Favors and Enes Kanter. Suddenly you realize exactly where you are, Karl Malone's training bunker - centrally located within the North Salt Lake oil refinery.

To read the rest of this dream (which is awesome), and for details on the proposed tweetup for the Miami Heat game click on below…

[Let me bring you up to speed in my reoccurring dream. After his utterly moronic spat with Greg Miller, Karl Malone realized there was no one but him who could turn the young Utah bigs into primetime stars. Swollen with a sense of duty to Jazz Nation he had returned to coach/train them full time, whether they like it or not (this is where I usually have another type of accident in the bed).]

Since Derrick and Enes don't get much time on the court, Karl had convinced Ty (with a simple frown) to let him take these young big under his supervision full time. They no longer travel with the team, they live in Karl's Ramboesque shack deep in the Wasatch wilderness. Karl sleeps in the master bed (a pile of baby seals) while Enes and Derrick sleep in racecar bunk beds Enes picked out at Ikea. Enes and Derrick share everything, toothbrushes, clothes, pacifier and the only restroom is a pit next to their pillows.

The training regiment is anything but mainstream. Enes and Derrick don't so much sleep as enjoy extended blinks while Karl is turned around. In the mornings after breakfast raw egg, bison lard and snot protein shakes, Karl straps fresh strips of rabbit meat to the young pair and releases his pet cougar, Carr, to help Enes and Derrick get a little more cardio than they would on the treadmill. If and when Enes and Derrick return Karl dives into weight training. From a ledge 20 feet above Enes drops 50 pound sandbags to Derrick who must then toss them back up. After 2 hours they switch.

When they aren't honing themselves physically Karl likes to work on mental strength. Two day long staring contests surrounded by strobe lights with "Du Hast" blasting from 30" subwoofers is Karl's favorite. Other days a simple Chinese water torture accompanied by "Mailman rug burns" (Indian rug burns administered by Karl himself) suffice. If the cry, they receive half rations to be eaten with a child's bib followed by 1,000 pushups in the mud with Karl's elbow digging into the small of their back.

Karl methods are simple, break the body and mind of these young guns so they can be rebuilt in his image. Around the first day of training camp Enes and Derrick are "found." With superior stamina alongside superhuman strength these two dominate the league in a way not seen since well, Mailman dawned a Jazz uni.

Around the time the Jazz are lifting up their 11th consecutive championship banner the sun naturally wakes me up. Eternally refreshed I'm ready for the day and the inevitable Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde performance the Jazz will no doubt provide that night.

Sound familiar? I thought so. If you want to add anything that frequently appears in your dream please do in the comments or on Twitter with the hashtag #MailmanWorkouts. Anyway, registration is open for all of our spring leagues - sign up with promo code: SLC DUNK and we'll give you a $10 discount.

ALSO, if you are going to the Jazz-Heat game on March 2nd make sure to come by for the FIRST SLC Dunk ESA meetup. We'll be meeting for a half hour before the game in the Bud Light lounge outside of portal U and again in the same spot at halftime. I'll be wearing my purple N.O. Jazz "Pistol" jersey. Come say hi and chat Jazz with us!"

This is an amazing dream, a dream come true for us fans and a nightmare for the rest of the league. I think #MailmanWorkouts are a great twitter hashtag. I also love the idea of Jazz fans at slcdunk meeting each other and developing strong community bonds. After all, I pretty much spend all day together anyway . . .

. . . but not like we hope Enes, Derrick, and Karl are spending in their training bunker.

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