Hey everyone! So this week I started writing some sarcastic parodies of the Utah Jazz where Tyrone Corbin is the main star. Everyone seemed to like them, and suggested that I document them, so I decided to start making fanposts here every Sunday. I will also explain a little bit about each one to give context to the story.
For my first post, I started it out as myself having a nightmare just for fun to provide some satire after a lousy game. It was after the Jazz were dominated by the Portland Trailblazers, and Trey Burke didn't play more than two minutes in the second half, being benched by Ty Corbin. Here is what I posted:
Last night I woke up screaming form a night terror...
It was the most vivid dream I had ever had in my life. There I was, looking in the mirror as I watched my hair fall out. I then grew taller and my face morphed in to Corbin’s. A suit and tie appeared on my body, and before I knew it I was sitting on the Jazz bench. I watched as the opposing team (I don’t know who they were, I couldn’t tell) went on a 20-0 run. I wanted to call a timeout, but no matter what I did, the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth. Finally, near the two minute mark of the 3rd quarter, I was able to call a timeout.
By this time, I was in full Corbin mode, I had lost every semblance of myself. When the players came to the bench, I pulled out my clipboard, and without any control, began drawing a picture. The picture was of a flaming unicorn, sitting on top of one of Saturn’s rings. My players scratched their heads, and Trey asked me what I wanted them to do. I scowled at him and told him to sit on the bench, and asked the other players (Hayward, Favors, Kanter, and Burks) if they liked my picture. They said no, so told them to sit on the bench as well. It was then that John Lucas III, Jefferson, Beans, Harris, and BRush came to me and gloated over my flaming unicorn. Flattered by their excellent taste in art, I put them in the game and told them to put the ball in the hole, didn’t matter how, just to do it.
As the other team continued to filet my players, outscoring them by another twenty points, I worked on my picture. Trey wanted to come in, but I told him he couldn’t until he acknowledged my amazing artistic talent.
We lost the game, but it didn’t matter. I had drawn the best picture of a flaming unicorn sitting on Saturn’s rings that had ever been. I framed the picture on my clipboard, had it blown up, and then demanded that it be plastered all over the Jazz Locker Room.
It was then that I woke up.
Because this was so popular, I decided to continue with it. However, instead of taking the dream angle, I decided to just turn it in to a series of stories. The next two posts came during the game against Sacramento at home.
The first post is toward the end of the game, where the Jazz fail to clinch the game.
Corbin motions to Trey in the huddle, 28 seconds left in the game.
"Hey Burke," said Corbin, holding a black permanent marker to his lip. Both Alec and Trey walked toward Coarch Corbin, but Corbin shoved Alec away. "What do you think of this horn? Should I put a spiral on it? Maybe a rainbow?"
Burke, knowing that playing in the end of the game was better than sitting on the bench decided to play along. "Yeah Coach, I like the spiral."
"Yeah," said Corbin, his tongue hanging out of his teeth. The horn then sounded as the players were called back to the court. "You guys just go hold the ball. We’re ahead, so if we hold it the whole game we’ll win!"
"But Coach, there are 28 seconds left," said Hayward.
"Oh, right," said Corbin, erasing a sloppily drawn rainbow on the side of his unicorn. "Then hold it till like six seconds, then throw it up in the air. Make sure it doesn’t come back down for like five seconds. You guys go win, I’ll finish this off."
Post two is after Corbin calls a timeout in Overtime. Kanter just fouled out and instead of putting in Gobert he puts in Jefferson at the four.
A furious Corbin calls a timeout in Overtime.
"What the hell guys?" said Coarch Corbin, swinging his clipboard through the air, a purple unicorn drawn on it. "I told you guys to throw the ball in the air to run out the clock, why are we in overtime?"
"You can’t do that, Coach," said Kanter.
Corbin eyed Kanter with a furious rage. "Get on the bench! Jefferson, your power forward!"
"Alright coach," said Jefferson, standing up and pulling off his warm-ups.
"Alright, look, I just want to go home so I can frame this," said Corbin, pointing at his unicorn. "Just go finish the game."
The last post comes after the overtime loss to the Kings.
Ty Corbin sits in his office after another loss as Dennis Lindsey pays him a visit.
Dennis Lindsey stands outside of a door in the bowels of the Energy Solutions Arena, a plaque on the door reads "Tyrone Corbin." Dennis knocks on the door and waits for Corbin to welcome him in. As Lindsey opens the door, he is met with a familiar sight. Tyrone is sitting at his desk, doodling on a large white board. On Ty’s walls are several large white-board marker drawings of unicorns, all framed and hung with care.
"Hey Ty," says Dennis as he takes a seat on a rainbow colored chair in front of Ty’s desk.
"Oh, hey Dennis," replies Ty, looking up briefly before turning his attention back to his white board. "You know, I’ve been trying to get this unicorn’s tail just right, but its been hard. I want him to be unique, you know, stand out."
Dennis leans over the table to look, and smiles as he sees the blue and yellow unicorn Ty was laboring over. "You almost had that one, Ty," he says, smirking.
Ty looked confused, he stopped drawing and thought to himself before looking up at Dennis. "Oh, you mean that game?"
"Oh, yeah. Well, the good news is I had an extra fifteen minutes or so to work on this little guy," Tyrone smiled as he pointed toward a purple unicorn that had been drawn on a white board that had basketball court lines. It was framed and hanging on his wall among several others.
"Wow, that’s a good one," said Dennis. "I’m glad you were able to finish it."
"Yeah, me too!" said Tyrone, grinning widely. "How do you like his horn? I put some great spirals in it."
"They’re fantastic," said Dennis. "I can’t wait to see what you come up with next game. Just remember-"
"Remember what?" asked Tyrone as he carefully colored in the unicorn’s tail.
"Unicorns are your top priority," Dennis gave a sly smile. "You keep enjoying your art, and you can show me all of the magnificent ponies you create come July." With that, Dennis got up and walked out of the door. He could hear Tyrone say goodbye, then shout for joy as he got the unicorn’s tail just right. Closing the door behind him, Dennis walked through the underbelly of Energy Solution’s Arena as he read over the few college scouting reports he had in his hand.
So that's it for the first week. If you like it and I entertained you, let me know! If you think I should continue with this, say so in the comments and if enough people like it I could see myself doing this at least after every game!