I don't like to get political here, but my sources have recently handed me some shocking news. Over the past few weeks we've all been (not) going crazy over the information in these Wikileaks documents. I cannot stay neutral about this topic now, not tonight. Not after reading confidential communications from our beloved Jazz to Santa Claus, aka St. Nicholas, aka Ayaz "Ali" Baba Noel (or so this subversive website would have us believe). Tonight, dear Jazz fans, I'm going to reveal some of the top secret communiques our players and coaches have been having with this mysterious character.
These are but excepts of over 15 different one-way messages. The details of the full conversation are still being sorted through, in which each letter is being checked (at least twice), so we can really know who is naughty and/or nice. Behold:
". . . a little more national media attention / recognition, replacement blades for my 'just the temples' clipper, and more games against Chris Paul in the new year . . ." - D.W.
" . . . a tax refund on those early season technical fouls, and lastly, my consistency from deep like it was back when I was playing for the Suns." - R.B.
" . . . for the early prints of the "Mrs. Hayward" shirts to make it in on time, and also the new WoW Expansion pack so I can level up my Paladin again." -A.K.
Shocking! But that's nothing compared to these bombshells:
" . . . more games against teams who don't scout my face up moves, and a legit shot at the NBA for my brother." -P.M.
". . . nothing at all Santa, you did bless us already early this year!" - A.J.
"Thanks again for all that you brought last year, Santa, I loved it . . . just make sure to keep bringing me more of the same this year: Shoes! Also, whut up to all your does and deers!" - C.M.
". . . I'm loving it all, but I wouldn't mind some more time on the floor . . . " -J.E.
" . . . I'm loving it all, Santa, but I wouldn't mind it if you could get more time on the floor for my nino Yeremy . . . " -E.W.
The documents continue to discuss some of the off the court activities of the Jazz family:
"All I want for Christmas is to play the Lakers in the playoffs, and dunk on Shannon Brown to close out our 4th win against them. Then I want to go to his house, and dunk on all of his stuff." -R.P.
" . . . some new golf clubs for dad, skis for sis, a new kitchen for mom, lots of treats for Kolbi, and for me, no more credit card rejection letters!" -G.H.
"Okay Santa, you know I'm Muslim, but it's all good. I never wrote you before, but if you really do grant wishes, it would be very special for me if COMCAST starts to carry some more Turkish TV stations. The new season of Yabanci Damat is going to start soon . . . so you know . . . " -M.E.M.O.1.3.
"Ever since I got black listed from that one place, I've been unable to get any good food. So, I need some: griotten, oliebollen, Haagse bluf, erwrtensoep, rookworst, . . . . [Amar's note: okay, this just looks like a shopping list of Dutch cuisine]" -F.E.
The leaked documents also showed that some of the confidential letters were from coaches as well!
" . . . you better not be jack potting around this year like you did last year. I don't care what my son asks for, you better bring him a simple, wooden sleigh with no moving parts, nothing to plug in, and not some useless Wii Sleigh game. Don't be getting sideways with me this year . . . "-J.E.S.
"Hey Santa, it's me. The mustache groomer is working like a charm. This year I'd like to try something a bit different. Since coaching Reggie Theus back in Sacramento, I've been . . . how shall I say . . . 'interested' in this Jheri Curl thing. . ." -P.J.
". . . I really don't care, just make dad stop showing those old Dunks and Bloopers VHS tapes to anyone who comes over . . ." -S.L.
" . . . you know, one of these days a head coaching job would be nice . . . " -T.C.
Also, because this is Fesenko Friday, I saved the longest excerpt for last . . .
"Santa-man: In Ukraine we call you Father Frost but you no answer letters then. Kyrylo now tries Englandish. Success imminent. (Reference: J. Ron Collins taught to me) This year already I spent too much on toys for me. Please give toys I earn for being good to children inside world who not doing as well. You know I am big boy at heart, but Kyrylo have big heart as well. I am very lucky to play game for life-ing. Not to work hard on traktor farm of Gerry. Playing the basketball is special. Need to make other people feel special too. This you do for me this year. Also plus little Gordie Haywire too unselfish to ask, but he wants first mustache like brawny man. Impress lady friend with face-hair, like I learn from too friendly man at Kiev fair. But you know. I wrote it to you before. Take care of the little ones, Fes take care of himself this year. Make you prowd . . . but if this letter moves you with passions to give me gift, I would not say no to learning Memo Money shot . . . " K.F.
There are, of course, hundreds of these documents, while this is just the tip of the ice berg on these confidential letters, I will stop it here. (I don't want to go to jail) (They don't like you use excel in jail)
On behalf of all of us here at SLC Dunk, have a very happy holiday, Merry Christmas, and celebrate responsibly. (Which seems like a redundant thing to say to a bunch of our readers who shun alcohol religiously)
". . . . and last Santa-man, not to put Kyrylo on Not-I list for asking Lord Kwanzaa for secret techniques to 'love, butt love many ladies' -- it was Koof who had hacked into the internets. Not Kyrylo! It was Koof!" -K.F.