Hey guys, I'm back. Not back to just writing. I'm back from the future. It's great there. I ate a liposuction shake, rode around on a hover board and attended some sporting events. Now I need to go visit some high school basketball players and basically freak them out. But first, I wanted to let you all in on what's going to happen in this year's lottery of the draft. And I am not going to tell you if the Jazz will win the title in the future. I would never take that anticipation from any fan. But you're going to love the Ipad 11.
1. Cleveland Cavaliers- Kyrie Irving, Point Guard, Duke
Between now and June 23rd, there will be plenty of talk about how the Cavaliers aren't sold on Kyrie Irving and nothing has been determined. There will be rumors that the Cavs are considering Derrick Williams, Enes Kanter, or Brandon Knight with the number one pick. Some writer for Bleacher Report will explain why Kawhi Leonard should go number one. But after all is said and done, the Cavs will start the rebuilding process by taking the best player in the draft, who also happens to play a very important role. And Dan Gilbert will write a scathing letter about irving in 6 years, when he leaves the Cavs for the Las Vegas Kings. Gilbert will use Helvetica.
2. Minnesota Timberwolves- Derrick Williams, Forward, Arizona
David Kahn will give into pressure, not from the T-wolve fanbase, but from his mother-in-law and take the surest thing left on the board. He will then write a letter to the Minnesota fanbase stating that he now has all the pieces to a championship team, as long as they all do their part. "I have done my part, Minnesota. We have our franchise point guard currently vacationing in Spain, who will return sometime. We have an all-star shooting guard in Wesley Johnson, a power forward who can dunk over Duke players in Derrick Williams, and Michael Beasley who has graciously agreed to move his NBA first team game to Center. No Widow or Squints Palledorous look alike will stop us" he will state in the letter.
3. Utah Jazz- Brandon Knight, Point Guard, Kentucky
Knight will blow the Jazz brass away with his ability to interview and answer the NBA's version of the Wunderlich questions. The crowd will cheer loudly at the ESA when the pick is announced by the front office and Kevin O'Connor will ask fans to please judge him on the pick in 2 years. It worked well for him the previous time.
4. Cleveland Cavaliers- Enes Kanter, Forward/Center, Turkey
The Cavs draft their bigman of the future, to the delight of several immature teenage Cav fans, who can now make signs to the effect of "Have you seen the size of our Enes" and "Don't have Enes envy" to bring to home games. Happy Birthday, Mr. Kanter.
5. Toronto Raptors- Bismack Biyombo, Forward, Congo
The Raptors just want to draft the right forward/center. Just once. They take Biyombo and shop Andrea Bargnani to the rest of the league all summer to absolutely no avail. Instead the Raptors sign Blue Jays 3rd baseman Jose Bautista to a 10-day contract. As Mark Jackson would say, "why not?"
6. Washington Wizards- Jan Vesely, Forward, Czech Republic
The Wizards have already tipped their hand on who they are going to draft by changing their uniform colors to the same colors of the Czech national flag. They will continue their secret operation to appeal to the strong Czech community in the greater DC area by drafting Vesely. Vesely's teammates will tease him mercilessly all season by asking him if he is related to Jan Brady from the Nick at Nite episodes.
7. Sacramento Kings- Kemba Walker, Point Guard, UConn
Tyreke Evans is not a true point guard. Kemba Walker is also going to be a great combo guard in the NBA. Hoping that Walker and Evans can combo to make one full backcourt, the Kings will take the national champion. After a few games in the NBA, Walker will state "Toto, I don't think we are in the Big East anymore" during a postgame interview with Cheryl Miller. She won't get the reference.
8. Detroit Pistons- Alec Burks, Shooting Guard, Colorado
The Pistons are a mess right now. Everybody knows it. The players hate their coach. The coach hates most of his players. What better way to fix the team than by drafting Alec Burks, one of the nicest players in the draft. It'll make more sense in a few years.
9. Charlotte Bobcats- Kawhi Leonard, Small Forward, San Diego State
The Bobcats have a lot of holes in their roster. They just traded away their closest thing to a franchise player in Gerald Wallace and Michael Jordan will draft the next Gerald Wallace in Leonard. Michael Jordan will attend a Bobcats practice during the middle of the season to scrimmage against his players. Having forgot that he drafted Leonard, he will ask one of the coaches, "how did Gerald get back on the team; I thought we traded him to the Blazers."
10. Milwaukee Bucks- Jonas Valanciunas, Forward, Lithuania
The Bucks don't have a lot of foreign players in the starting lineup, so Valanciunas makes a lot of sense for them.
11. Golden State Warriors- Tristan Thompson, Power Forward, Texas
The Warriors are always looking for skilled and tough big men and since none of those were left in the draft, they draft Thompson. This pans out for the Jazz a year later when the Warriors miss out on the playoffs, but aren't one of the worst 7 teams.
12. Utah Jazz- Jordan Hamilton, Small Forward, Texas
Half of the Jazz fans boo because the Jazz pass on Jimmer Fredette. The other half fist pump because the Jazz pass on Jimmer Fredette. It is a point of conversation and debate among Jazz fans for the next 3 years. Second only to the Knight > Irving debate between Cavs and Jazz fans. Thanks to Jake1ar for that joke.
13. Phoenix Suns- Jimmer Fredette, Guard, BYU
It's a win-win for everyone. The Suns draft a player they can pretend is the next Steve Nash. BYU fans in the west can see "The Jimmer" play by driving only a few hours. Jimmer helps lead the Suns to the playoffs in 2015 with the help of Grant Hill who will still be their starting small forward.
14. Lucas Nogueira, Center, Brazil
The Rockets will try hard to acquire Brazilian center Nene all summer, but will come up empty. Nogueira will be tabbed as their center of the future. Rockets GM, Daryl Morey will draft him because of his ability to hold opponents to 37% shooting and 0.764 points per possession in defensive pick and roll situations outside of 6 feet in third quarters.