The Bafflement Report: Stupidity in the Stocking

Merry freakin' Christmas from the Bafflement Report!

There's no way to sugarcoat this with gumdrop ferries and twinkling north stars that lead wise men to the holy birth of the messiah. In fact, if wise men showed up, they'd slap Corbin in his we todd did head.

I've had enough. It's almost to the point where it's not worth watching anymore, except that Gordon Hayward is my man-crush and Trey Burke is pretty awesome and, according to Matt Harpring, Richard Jefferson is the most efficient offensive Jazz man. Who can stay away from that?

Preface: Losing doesn't bother me. It's not welcomed by me either. It happens. But there's more than one way to skin a cat or shave a cucumber or eat a candy cane, whatever your metaphorical preference. However, there's a right way to skin a cat, preferably with a samurai sword fashioned from the bone marrow of pterodactyl; a best way to shave a cucumber, with a cigar cutter; and an ancient way to suck on the cane of candy, with your mouth.

Why We Lose: Numbers and Twisted Logic

Marvin Williams is not a PF. I've seen enough of it. Yes, he can stretch the floor. No, he's not a good shooter. No, he cannot defend a guy who outweighs him by 500 pounds. No, he cannot block the shot of someone who is 24-inches taller than he is. Yes, hyperbole is in season and goes great with khakis and a fall-colored scarf.

He cannot do it. And it's mathematically easy to understand.

Three points is worth more than two points, mathematically speaking. And I know that type of numbers game really bothers Corbin because he quite simply cannot handle it.

And here's where the twisted logic comes into play. Your starting lineup is undersized, so you're forced to double-team. But they're knocking down every three by running their offense through Z-Bo. My issue with this is that you design something you are aware doesn't make sense. Why create your own problems only to try to solve them with a scrambling defense?


Sorry if this sounds crazy. But I'd rather lose to Z-Bo shooting two-pointers all night than watching the Grizzlies knock down a barrage of threes--mathematically speaking.

Enes Kanter must start. It's that simple. If we're going to lose, we may as well lose in a way that makes sense.

Why We Lose: All Guard Play

Last year we had Al-fense. We dumped the ball into the left block on every single play last year. This year, Corbin is fighting last year's logic by never dumping the ball into the post.

I'm trying to get into the man's head. I think his thought process, which I've created into an inner monologue, sounds exactly and without exaggeration like this:

Last year, post. Lose. This year, guards. Win. Pick. Roll. Jefferson good. Marvin power forward. Enes sit. Bad 21-year-old. Alec. Unicornology.

It doesn't make sense to not have a balanced attack.

We ignore Derrick Favors in the post and don't give him the ball unless he's diving to the hole from a pick-and-roll. I'm fine with the newly found pick-and-roll offense that Corbin has recently discovered. I think it's damn swell. However, maybe we should let that kid get some touches on the block so he can develop, discover, and defend his contract.

No more rants for me until the New Year.

All comments are the opinion of the commenter and not necessarily that of SLC Dunk or SB Nation.