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Utah Jazz recieve the most strangely specific Christmas gifts ever!

The season for giving gifts . . . to the people who need it the most!

Merry Christmas to Imgur, here, here is my cat tax.
Merry Christmas to Imgur, here, here is my cat tax.
Chung Sung-Jun/Getty Images

It's Christmas! This means the birth of Jesus Christ for billions of people around the world. But for an even larger number of people (all under the age of 26) this means PRESENTS! If I could I would love to give meaningful presents to all the people I care about, but it's impossible when you have a mother-in-law who hates everything you ever do for her. (No, no venting here) One group of people who will never say no to me and my well-wishing are the Utah Jazz. So here are the gifts that I'd give the team this holiday season:

The Front Office and coaches:

  • Dennis Lindsey (GM): more RAM for your desktop computer, so you can crunch more numbers, and keep tabs on more things. Essentially, I want to give you more power. Or give Alec Lam more work to do. Or both. (SLC Dunk alumni Alec Lam works for DL.)
  • Quin Snyder: the gift of having a newborn / infant sleep through the nights without incident, allowing you and the rest of the family, more rest!
  • The assistant coaches: better luck for Moni's halftime performance breakdowns
  • Kevin O'Connor (Exec GM): less RAM in your computer so it runs slower
  • Jerry Sloan (duh): Have your face be shown on the jumbotron more at home games (unless you explicitly requested that it doesn't happen)

The Starters:

  • Trey Burke (PG): more consistency and improved shot making from your jumpers / floaters. I don't know if you've been naughty of nice (or Niiiiiccceeeee.) but I do know that you've put in the work to raise your FG% and 3PT% -- but you're not quite where you need to get it.
  • Alec Burks (SG): more respect from the ref, at home and especially on the road. Getting to the line is a big part of your game, when the refs allow you to get molested and give you a missed FG that hurts everyone. More respect means more FTA, which means a more dangerous Alec overall.
  • Gordon Hayward (SF): I'd say a new SLI pair of video cards, but you already bought that. In that case, I'd go with giving you more reasons to smile while showing your teeth.
  • Enes Kanter (PF): More freedom with your social media presence. You were a budding star with online with your crazy diet and pics and the *interesting* people you used to follow on twitter. Then it all went away. Come back, gingerbread man! Come back!
  • Derrick Favors (C): Presents that are good and not boring.

The Bench Rotation:

  • Dante Exum (PG): Some old Mookie Blaylock and Latrell Sprewell tapes. You are cool and calm and have the talent to be a serious two way threat with your driving, passing, and defensive IQ. Blaylock was that guy, but in a much more limited body. You're not ever going to be Penny Hardaway, but you can learn something about explosiveness from Spree, who is about your size. Just, you know, Mookie tapes from his ATL days, and Spree tapes from his GSW days.
  • Joe Ingles (SG): Some crazy facial fair. Give me a reason to fall in love with you. Your game isn't doing it for me, but history indicates that I will be yours forever if you are an odd ball.
  • Rodney Hood (SF): Some playing time at PF against teams going small. Is it easier to teach a back to the basket big how to shoot threes, or a wing to box out and play defense? Hood could be what Marvin Williams could have been, but at a much younger age. I'm biased about him as a stretch big, hence my reluctance to call him a SG.
  • Trevor Booker (PF): A speedy return to whatever ails you, my man.
  • Rudy Gobert (C): I'd give you this in a heart-beat: the defensive respect from refs that allow guys like Tim Duncan, Tyson Chandler, and Roy Hibbert to flat out FOUL on defense, but the stops be chalked up to your defensive ability. I don't have to give you anything else because you are doing it all by yourself and becoming a better player than all of us expected.

Deep Bench:


  • Duh, we all need patience. We (collectively) gave the last coach a lot of it. We need to give our rookie coach and his young team a lot of patience.


  • I'm giving you the gift of content again this year. No REFUNDS! Only store credit! The store credit is only good for a pre-recorded message from Peter Novak telling you why you are wrong about that thing you feel.

The rest of the SLC Dunk crew:

  • I wish you all a very Merry Christmas, and thank you all for everything that you do for me off the site, and all the hard work and love you show to this site that we all share
  • To Yucca, for reals, I want you to be able to write game recaps for games the team wins!

Merry Christmas everyone!