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The Downbeat #1884: Alec Doesn't Exist Edition

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No I will not April Fool's you. You endured a close loss to the Golden State Warriors. You have suffered enough.

Russ Isabella-USA TODAY Sports

Today there is only one Downbeat point.  It's that important.  Never have I been more sure of anything in my life.

In what can only be described as a malicious April Fool's joke by Jody Genessy, we were led on to believe that today Alec Burks would return.  Yes, #TheReturnofTheReturnOfAB would be upon us.  The day in which Utah would be 100% ... ish, minus Dante Exum.

But alas ... it all came crashing down faster than Dante Exum's ACL.  Andy Larsen, prior contributor to this blog and hater of all happiness*, ruined all our dreams and aspirations.

*I can't prove the second, but just because there's no motive, evidence, or actions that verify it doesn't mean it's not true.

Which brings me to my theory, Alec Burks has never existed.  

Wait, what?

Hear me out on this one.  First of all the Utah Jazz drafted a shooting guard that would eventually be able to shoot close to 40% from 3 and only discover it in his 4th year?  The same year that he got injured?  Seems like a conspiracy, right?  OF COURSE, I'M RIGHT.

First let's check the facts.  Alec Burks went to school at Colorado.  Coincidence?  No.  Colorado is known for its skiing.  But Alec Burks isn't a big skier.  So why would he go to Colorado for school when he's from Missouri when he doesn't like to ski?  Seems like a big cover up, right?  BECAUSE IT IS.  It only makes sense if he's never existed.  Colorado is also known for legalized marijuana.  What does that have to do with it?  Because only those people who have been fed the truth bud know the real truth about aliens, 9/11, the Moon Landing, and how Katy Perry really is Jon Benet Ramsey.  THEY KNOW THE TRUTH.  So how aren't there more Jazz fans from Colorado if an amazing NBA player came from that state?  BECAUSE THEY KNOW THE TRUTH.  Alec Burks never existed.

What's the state bird of Colorado?

Lark Bunting.

Where do most Lark Buntings live?

In the Rockies, but not in Utah.  Very few ever make it there.  Coincidence?

Or how about how Lark Buntings are only black and white?  You know what's also black and white?

The truth.

And what's the truth?

Alec Burks has never existed.  That's why he can't return back from his injury.

Another weird *finger quotes* "coincidence", the Utah Jazz draft a slicing shooting guard with acrobatic skills who likes to stick his tongue out.  LIKE WE'RE TO BELIEVE THE UTAH JAZZ ACTUALLY DRAFTED THE NEXT MICHAEL JORDAN.  And guess what?  Michael Jordan didn't play in Utah, just like Alec Burks never has played in Utah because he never existed.  You think he existed?  Really?

If he was so good why did Tyrone Corbin never play him?  Why did he sit behind Josh Howard, Randy Foye, Mo Williams, Raja Bell, and others?  Maybe because ... he didn't exist?

But, MyLo, I saw him play.  Did he?  TURN ON THE LEAGUE PASS, SHEEPLE.  Did you?  Or was that what you were led to believe?  What's the best way to make up for a terrible season?  Tank and get a good draft pick? No. Create a false player, draft him, never play him, then have him fall prey to tons of "injuries" then have to wait for him to return?  Something's fishy with that.  You got to admit.  Do you see how this fits together?

Let's go back to Michael Jordan.  He played for two teams. The last one being who?  The Wizards.  What do Wizards do?  They do magic.  Who's the best magician in Missouri? Mario Manzini.  What's he famous for?  Being an escape artist.  What's Alec Burks nickname?  Houdini.  What was Houdini famous for?  Being an escape artist.  And who was Harry Houdini?  Nobody.  Harry Houdini never existed.  He was a stage name for Erik Weisz.  Therefore Alec Burks has never existed.

Alec Burks.





Moon Landing.

Lark Bunting.

Migrational Pattern of Lark Buntings.


Michael Jordan.



Magicians in Missouri.

Mario Manzini.

Alec Burks.


Harry Houdini.

Erik Weisz.

No Alec Burks.


The truth is out there ...