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How to Utah Jazz fan again in 7 Easy Steps: Step 7 - #MuscleWatch

A 7 step recovery plan for Utah Jazz fans on the mend. These seven easy steps will help you to regain hope and excitement for next season. Step 7 - #MuscleWatch

Thomas B. Shea-USA TODAY Sports

The 2015-2016 Utah Jazz season is over. All those lucky socks that resulted in numerous painful close losses have finally been washed. The Stockton and Malone jerseys have been returned to their offseason resting place in the closet. The NBA League Pass app has been deleted from your phone, and it's time to rediscover what it's like to not have firm plans after 7:00 MST again.

But beneath it all, the urge of Jazz fandom runs deep.

You keep checking twitter as if there's another game to be played.

You keep refreshing eagerly waiting for some news to break.

You check the injury report out of habit, someone must have got hurt today.

You talk to your friends about the Jazz in present tense as if the Jazz could still make the playoffs.

You went to your favorite sports bar only to discover that Pacers vs Raptors was playing.

You flipped the channel to Root Sports and watched a Rockies game. You're not even a Rockies fan. You just wanted to see those familiar graphics and commercials.

You keep telling your wife about how you think Dante Exum grew and is now 6'9", you think. It's hard to tell from the photos. But you know.

If you have done even one of these things, you're an addict. A Jazz addict.

You're a glutton for pain and remorse. But luckily there's a 7 step plan for recovery. If you follow this plan you'll slowly feel the pain of missing the playoffs turn into hope and excitement for the next season. Guaranteed.

Step 1Step 2Step 3Step 4Step 5 | Step 6 | Step 7 |

Step 7


Congratulations.  You have made it through 6 of the 7 steps of How to Utah Jazz Fan Again.  Your hype and excitement has reached a fever pitch.  The pains of yester-season seem like a distant memory.  The pains of Kobe dropping 60 don't feel real anymore.  I mean, that could have been against the Utah Jazz, but the more you think about it, it doesn't feel real.  That isn't your Utah Jazz team.  You know your Utah Jazz team.  That's not them.  You've seen them get new uniforms, new draft picks, new free agents, seen the rookies play exhibition games, and seen your star players compete on the world's stage.  That isn't your team.  Which brings us to Step 7.  Only a fan who is overhyped with the anticipation of the new season could get so amped for an event that has so little to do with future performance.  But you're ready for this now.

#MuscleWatch is a yearly hype train of ridiculousness that is all about scouring NBA players Instagram and theorizing if they have gotten swole.  Like I said, if you had not followed all prior steps this final requirement in restoring your joy of basketball would be ineffective.  Think of steps 1 through 6 as your 99% of your workout.  This is the ludicrous sprint at the end.  AND IT IS INSANE.

#MuscleWatch usually occurs in late September - early October.  This is when most players are reporting to training camp.  The physical changes are probably more evident than usual because they haven't been in the public eye for a few months.

Now it's important to note that #MuscleWatch has no bearing on basketball.  It doesn't.  None of it.  All this does is make you believe that your player magically can hit the corner three because his biceps are bigger.  I must repeat to you, that this has no bearing on future performance.  But what do you care?  You're psyched for next season.  BRING ON THE WARRIORS!!!!

Prior Utah Jazz #MuscleWatch winners Gordon Hayward and Rudy Gobert have impressed in this category.  Seriously, look at Gordon Hayward going Super Soldier.

Gordon Hayward Super Soldier


The Utah Jazz have a unique advantage with P3 in Santa Barbara.  Most of the Utah Jazz's players work out there.  It should be noted that Gordon Hayward doesn't work out there anymore.  He works out in Indy at St. Vincent's Sports Performance center.  Judging by his arms, his Utah Jazz teammates should join him.  Seriously, he found the Super Soldier serum and he hit that bottle hard.

During #MuscleWatch it's not uncommon to see P3 in Santa Barbara release videos like this:

This is the final step.  With the completion of this step you should feel hope and joy fill your soul when you think of next season.  If they don't, then you were probably in attendance at Game 6 of Bulls vs Jazz.  If you were in attendance at that game then sorry.  Maybe one day you will feel happiness. But for the rest of you.  Congratulations.


  1. Follow P3 Sports Science on Twitter, @P3sportscience.
  2. Watch P3 Vines that they release of players. Rinse. Wash. Repeat.
  3. Don't just watch the players get muscle.  You get muscle. Go outside.  Hit the gym.  Eat vegetables. Adult more.
  4. Follow the Jazz players on Instagram and on Twitter.
  5. Pray that these muscles prevent a wide spread injury bug that would affect the team the entire season.

Step 1Step 2Step 3Step 4Step 5 | Step 6 | Step 7 |