[Ed. Note: I did not check the editorial queue until this morning, I should have posted this DAYS ago. I 100% am at fault here, and I totally apologize to not just the writer, Jazzy, but also to you readers at the site.]
With no game until Wednesday, the comment section was beginning to go rogue. To assist them in their release of stress and tension, I am creating one more outlet for their creative juices. What better way to do this than in a game thread?
You might be saying, “But jazzy, there is no game today!”
To that I simply respond, “Stop talking to your computer, I can’t hear you.”
Yet, there is a game today.
It may not be a Utah Jazz basketball game, but it is certainly a game involving basketball and the Utah Jazz. Today, we create our own game!
Here are the rules:
- You must comment at least thrice, even if you have nothing of substance to say.
- One of your 3+ comments must contain all of the words: “Jazz”, “basketball”, “Jinglin’”, “vegemite”, and “Ruuuudy”.
- You may answer the questions and situations I write below, but you are not required to.
- You may post Picard only after we reach 200 comments (when we win).
- No bullying someone for their opinion.
The idea is to discuss anything that comes to mind while progressing through the different rounds. It doesn’t have to be on topic, the text below is only there to provide fuel for your ideas. Anyway, here we go!
The Cavaliers are rumored to be interested in trading for Shelvin Mack. Your job is to ponder and discuss whether we should trade Shelvin Mack, or if that would risk our flawless win streak when he is scoring 7 points per game. Who do you think he could net us for his underrated value? What third team would be most likely to jump in on the trade and give us a free 1st round pick?
Bonus points if you take the time to find a trade that works on ESPN’s trade machine.
End of round.
That wasn’t so bad now, was it? Commenting can be fun! Now without further ado, let’s bring on
David Locke had an interesting podcast the other day about some of the details of Gordon Hayward’s infamous off-season that turned him into an all-star this season. Listen to it or not, it is your choice. However, if you do not listen to it, you must not allow anybody to know that you did not listen to it. That is crucial to this round’s success.
If Hayward is an all-star, what would it take for him to become a superstar?
Gordon gave the guys at HyperX a tour of his house. Are you stalker enough to watch? He has a pretty nice gaming rig. Maybe he should be an E-Sports all-star as well. Have any of you watched his streams?
Gordon Hayward faces Paul George in a fist fight, who would win? What happens if you throw Joe Ingles and a tiny rabid dog wearing a Lakers jersey into the mix?
End of round.
All right guys. Half-time. Sorry we don’t have a half-time breakdown of the game yet, since it technically will not start until the comments start rolling in. So here’s some elevator music for you.
The title is actually a lie, it is only 59 minutes and 59 seconds of elevator music. Anybody else feel like they need to play this music during NBA timeouts?
Okay. Relaxed and ready for the final push? (Insert a raging pep talk by Quin Snyder here.)
The Jazz will be facing the Bucks this upcoming Wednesday at the Aunt Viv. I want you to give every player on the roster a rating from 1-10 on how well they will play. Please rate them high, because I really want them to win this game. After the game, you can see how well your predictions turned out. I won’t ask how much we will win by, because we all know it’s going to be 11+.
Giannis Antetenkjoumdkpo should make it a fun game, right? But Rudy Gobert is obviously the better superstar. France > Greece, amirite? Napoleon sacrificed his height so Rudy could dominate the Greeks later in the French timeline. All is going according to plan.
Bonuse: This part is important for your mental health. What do you see that is Jazz related, when you look at this very professionally drawn ink blot? There is a right answer, so take your time.
End of round.
Alright, this is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. You guys need to be clutch and take us to a win now. Easier said than done. There’s a voice in your head that says, “I’ve commented enough, they don’t need my contributions any further. They’ll reach the W without me.” But do NOT listen to that voice! It could not be any further from the truth! With every single comment, the thread turns away from typical social media, and transforms into a true work of art. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll bang your head against your keyboard when somebody’s opinion is wrong. Keep pushing. I believe in you.
Now for the ultimate discussion of all. Rank every single one of these Jazz-related people, from best to worst, or most influential to least influential, or most hated to least hated. You can rank them for any reason you want, but you are the only one that can know what you are ranking them for. Others can guess, but you can only answer “yes” and “no” to their guesses at what your criteria were. Here is the list of people:
- Jerry Sloan
- Garth Brooks
- Jeremy Evans
- John Lucas III
- Paul Millsap
- Big Al Jefferson (The Conqueror, esq.)
- Josh Howard
- Richard Jefferson
- Andris Biedrins
- John Stockton
- Karl Malone
- Greg Ostertag
- Rudy Gobert
- Gordon Hayward
- Randy Foye
- Alec Burks
- Trey Burke
- Tyrone Corbin
- Kevin Murphy
Bonus: If you can guess someone else’s rankings, you get 10 points. Points don’t really matter, but they definitely make you feel good. Let’s see who can get the most points!
End of round.
I hope this was a good exercise for everybody involved. You people are da real MVP. Now don’t let me hold you back. Unleash yourselves on this comment section (within reason... or not).