This piece has been long in the works. As a college student nearing the end of the semester, I’ve been keeping this simmering on the back burner for a little while. I decided to finally grind it out, and here we are today.

I was messing around with Photoshop a month or two back, and sparked an idea. I was contemplating Hayward’s star role on the Jazz, and wondered how that would transfer to an actual band. This transformed into a journey deep into something. I’m still not entirely sure where my journey has led me, but it definitely took me somewhere.

And so, I present to you the Utah Jazz Band. However, they do not play exclusively jazz music. They are very flexible, just as they are on the basketball court. (Note: I have very little Photoshop training, so excuse some of the mistakes.)

Gordon HAY-CDC - Lead Singer

Hayward is the star of the show. He’s the lead singer that propels the band into great choruses that fill entire arenas. He is the most visible one for the most part, being the most recognizable sound when you hear our songs on the radio. His defining lyrics? “It’s a long way to the top if you want to rock n’ roll”.

Heartbreak Hotel Hayward

Okay, I got carried away and made a second one for Gordon. He’s just so gosh darn photogenic. Plus, he may be the one to soon overthrow the King, if you catch my drift. Gordon causes all hearts to melt, and all women to squeal. Even the writers at GQ are in awe.

Derrick Hendrix - Lead Guitar

Derrick came into this season ready for a breakthrough. Up to this point, he had been a one-man wrecking crew in the paint. He had supposedly even developed a three point stroke over the dreary offseason. However, due to tragedy, we still have not had the opportunity to purchase our tickets for the overcrowded (and under-bathroomed) Favestock. When he makes his triumphant return in the playoffs, we will all be grooving to the addition he brings to the team.

Rudy Go-peart - Drums

Where is a band without its lead guitarist? Usually sunk. However, Rudy is so talented that his drumming entirely fills any void left by the injured guitarist. If any drummer is to compare with what Rudy does, it is Neil Peart. Rudy goes crazy, doing just about everything in the background. He is so good at filling up the background that he has become famous for it. This is especially impressive, as the drummer is usually the last person you wonder about. Who is the drummer for Taylor Swift, Jack Johnson, Katy Perry, etc? Do they even have a designated drummer? How many drummers can you actually name off the top of your head? Well this is one drummer that is so purely magnificent, he forced the world to take note.

Georgie - Tambourine and Backup Singer

Okay, this is one of the few where the face and the body fit so perfectly, I didn’t care that the original photo was not of a famous person. George Hill grooves and does basically whatever you need him to do. He can sing lead for certain songs, he can provide a beat, but generally he is best at keeping in the background and rounding out the band’s sound. George feeds off the energy of the drummer, and does the little things that take us from a mediocre garage-band sound to a professional-grade experience.

Rodney Holtrane - Tenor Sax

This is where the team shows its versatility. Up to now we’ve had guys who specialize primarily in rock. Rodney is the guy who puts the “jazz” in Utah Jazz. He can slow it down and make things smooth, or he can pick it up with quick Bebop style and show some mad technical skills. Even when he is playing fast, it’s almost as if his fingers are moving in slow motion. Everything he does is simply silky smooth.

Boris Diaw - Theremin and Backup Singer

Let’s face it, you don’t get a nickname for playing the Theremin. In fact, you hardly get any recognition at all. However, it brings a unique aspect to the band that you cannot find otherwise. Unique is the perfect word to describe Boris. He sings, he dances, he juggles, he plays the theremin, and he’s a valuable asset to a team that’s looking to go far.

Dante jEckson (sic) - Budding Lead Singer, Current Backup Singer

He’s the young roo. We all have high hopes for his future, and he looks fantastic with an Afro. This kid could be something special, even if he has had a traumatic early career. We’re all pining for him, and he has everything a young player needs to be successful.

Bonus: Joe Ingles With a Solitary Maraca

He rocks it much better than you would expect.

Note: I couldn’t get to every single player, else I would not have finished this project until the middle of the Summer. Plus, you can only fit so many into a band before it starts getting superfluous.