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Realistic strategies the Utah Jazz should incorporate

How have these not been implemented yet!

NBL Rd 2 - Adelaide v Melbourne Photo by Daniel Kalisz/Getty Images

The best organizations in the NBA are always looking for an edge on their competition. Coaches create game plans and strategies to maximize the talent as best they can. But maybe there’s more that they can do. Maybe there are some ideas that haven’t been discovered yet.

Today, I’ve got some ideas for you out of my trunk and in my trench coat. Nothing shady, just the good stuff that’s sure to lead your team to the finals.

The Flying V

An effective way to create great game plans is to take strategies used in movies. I’m honestly not sure why this isn’t done more often considering the teams we root for in movies always win!

One of the greatest strategies I’ve ever seen comes from the Mighty Ducks. You have a group of ragtag underdogs that band together under the tutelage of a ruggedly handsome coach that worked his way back from a shaky past.

Sound familiar?

There’s two possible strategies from this movie but only one is very realistic. The first is where you let the chubby kid tee off and they’ll either shoot a lightning fast puck or, in the not quite as good sequel, the knuckle puck. This is scientifically sound because there is no one stronger than the chubby kid at school. Alas, the Jazz have no one chubby enough to enact this.

But they do have the personnel for one of the most devestating attachs in sports, the Flying V. Let’s forget unproven strategies like the “pick n’ roll” and let’s bring on the strategy created down and out legend Gordon Bombay. This strategy was so good it could bring a title to Utah just like it did to that little known youth hockey league in Minneapolis Minnesota.

All that has to be done is have four players not named Donovan Mitchell lock arms and plow their way to the basket. Donovan dribbles behind them and once they’re close enough just has to leap over top with an epic dunk.


Bee Beard

I’ll show you a beard to fear!

Getty Images

Imagine having to faceguard a man with a living, breathing beard of bees swarming on his face. Is anyone going to stand in the way of this man? I don’t think so!

Just a few squirts of pheromones on your face (or honey?) and you’ll have a beard that will strike terror into the hearts of those trying to block your shot.

But lets take this to another level. Teams should be looking at ways to find bee controlling technology. Bee technology is the fastest growing field within the colleges of insect manipulations and so they should be readily at hand. If that’s not a thing, I guess you could lease some of Antman’s tech.

With bee controlling technology you could send individual bees to perform less than savory means to defeat opponents. With foresight we can see that using bee stings on opponents will eventually be made illegal. Although this isn’t a given because somehow the Eastern Conference still exists.

In the meantime this is sure to create, at minimum, a three-time championship dynasty.

And that’s a word I want to hear when people say Jazz. Dynasty, Bee Dynasty.

Weird smells

I’m not talking about any Adam Morrison type smells here because that’s going to ruin the locker room and everyone’s day, including the media’s.

What this has to be is smells that distract. Think Bertie Bott’s beans from Harry Potter but in smell form.

For this to work smell discharge devices will have to be installed on the Jerseys of the team. Preferably between the note and the “A.” Any smell could be used but the most devious smells should be considered. For example, if Gordon Haywood is playing perhaps you can waft in the smell of Zupas. Or just look up any ex girlfriend of any player, find out the perfume of said girlfriend and then squirt that any time they’re trying to go to the rim. That’ll make things weird but in a good way?

These strategies are there for the taking!

Don’t want them?

You sure?

Alright, well I’ll just close up this trench coat, put on some pants and leave!